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| Scene Fix: A Compelling Opening |
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The following is the opening scene of a screenplay called Decision, a drama about Jeff, an electrician who is sent out in the middle of a raging storm to repair a generator at a maximum-security prison and becomes involved in an escape attempt by a group of ruthless prisoners. The story is told in flashback and the first sequence in the script -- in which an exhausted Jeff is involved in a traffic mishap and then stops at a 7-11 for a cup of coffee -- is the opening bookend from which the flashback is launched. The scene reads as follows. Continue reading ...
EXT. SAM’S 24 HOUR 7-11 - NIGHT Sam’s 24 hour 7-11 parking lot is empty and wet from the rain that has mercifully stopped, for now. The time on the 7-11 sign reads 2:14 AM. A white S&L Generator Service pick up truck drives onto the lot from the intersection. In the distance, a car drives away at a dangerous speed on the wet street. The car’s HORN fades in the night. The service truck rolls to a stop. INT. TRUCK The lone driver sees the 7-11 is empty of patrons. Only SAM, the long-time owner, stands at the coffee island near the front door. The driver’s door opens. EXT. PARKING LOT For a moment nothing happens. Then, JEFF, a mid-thirties guy with a decent build from hard work, slides off the driver’s seat and comes to rest on the running board. Wet work boots hit the blacktop. Scraped and bloody elbows find his knees. The pant leg of the right knee is torn and the skin badly scraped. His cut and dirty face comes to rest in the cradle made by his equally cut and dirty hands. He looks out into the night, eyes tired and red. Jeff’s short sleeve work shirt, rolled high on his biceps, is not completely dry from the earlier rain. To see how we revised the scene, check out the following video [best viewed in High Definition]: Below is the revised version of the scene: EXT. INTERSECTION - NIGHT The sky is filled with dark clouds and the street is wet from a recent rain. A white S&L Generator Service pick up truck pulls up to a red light. INT. TRUCK - NIGHT JEFF, a mid-thirties guy with a decent build from hard work, sits behind the wheel. He looks out into the night, eyes tired and red. Jeff’s short sleeve work shirt, rolled high on his biceps, is wet. Jeff looks across the intersection and sees EXT. SAM’S 24 HOUR 7-11 - NIGHT Sam’s 24 hour 7-11 parking lot is empty and wet. The time on the 7-11 sign reads 2:14 AM. A sign in the window advertises “Hot, Fresh Coffee.” INT. TRUCK - NIGHT Jeff smiles. Coffee sounds good to him. He steps on the accelerator pedal and steers the truck into the intersection, heading for the 7-11. EXT. INTERSECTION - NIGHT The white pick rolls into the intersection. INT - TRUCK - NIGHT Suddenly, Jeff is blinded by headlights coming from the side. He looks out the driver’s side window and sees a CAR speeding into the intersection. If Jeff keeps going, the two vehicles will surely collide. Startled, Jeff stomps in the brakes and cranks the steering wheel. EXT. INTERSECTION - NIGHT The truck swerves to a stop in the middle of the intersection, narrowly missing the oncoming car, which beeps its horn angrily as it continues through the intersection and off into the distance. INT. TRUCK - NIGHT A startled Jeff looks up and sees that EXT. INTERSECTION - NIGHT The light is still red. INT. TRUCK - NIGHT As the realization that he ran the red light dawns on him, Jeff closes his eyes and lets out a deep, tired sigh. Recovering himself, he looks both ways and then resumes driving. EXT. PARKING LOT The pick up pulls into the parking. For a moment nothing happens. Then, Jeff slides off the driver’s seat and comes to rest on the running board. Wet work boots hit the blacktop. Scraped and bloody elbows find his knees. The pant leg of the right knee is torn and the skin badly scraped. His cut and dirty face comes to rest in the cradle made by his equally cut and dirty hands. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Ray Morton is a writer and script consultant. His books Close Encounters of the Third Kind: The Making of Steven Spielberg's Classic Film and King Kong: The History of a Movie Icon from Fay Wray to Peter Jackson are available in stores and online. He analyzes screenplays for production companies, producers, and individual writers. Morton is available for consultation and can be reached at ray@raymorton.com.
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  written by Margaret Hargrave, November 10, 2009
This was instructive to read. I so far have possibly less description in my screenplays and would seem to need more of the kind of detail shown here.
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 written by Rick Helin, November 10, 2009
Much Improved!
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 written by Susan Shearer, November 10, 2009
I appreciate your lesson, Ray. As an actor, I'm used to seeing shooting scripts. I'm starting to write and it's helpful to see the writer's process.
Thank you, Susan :0) report abuse
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Votes: +1
 written by Cat Knell, November 10, 2009
are you kidding me you turned something interesting and foreboding into a boring dribble; I'd never read page 2.
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Votes: +1
 written by Kacee, November 10, 2009
Why is the description of "Jeff" repeated in the revised version?
JEFF, a mid-thirties guy with a decent build from hard work, sits behind the wheel. Later it reads.... Then, JEFF, a mid-thirties guy with a decent build from hard work, slides off the driver’s seat and comes to rest on the running board. report abuse
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Votes: +2
 written by Richard Warburton, November 10, 2009
The structure of this opening scene is much improved, Ray. It flows better than before. Still, it could be even leaner.
Example 1: Jeff smiles. Coffee sounds good to him. He steps on the accelerator pedal and steers the truck into the intersection, heading for the 7-11. Example 1 after edit: Jeff smiles. He steers the truck into the intersection. Example 1 comment: "Coffee sounds good to him" is an interior thought. Isn't that already conveyed with the smile after seeing the sign? "He steps on the accelerator pedal..." To my eye that is a shot of his foot on the accelerator pedal. Isn't acceleration implied by simply having him steer the truck into the intersection? Example 2: Suddenly, Jeff is blinded by headlights coming from the side. He looks out the driver’s side window and sees a CAR speeding into the intersection. If Jeff keeps going, the two vehicles will surely collide. Startled, Jeff stomps in the brakes and cranks the steering wheel. Example 2 after edit: Suddenly, Jeff is blinded by headlights coming from the side. He looks out the driver’s side window and sees a CAR speeding into the intersection. Jeff stomps in the brakes and cranks the steering wheel. Example 2 comment: Jeff's stomping on the brake eliminates the need for the word "startled" and his actions of stomping on the brakes and cranking the steering wheel eliminates the need for the exposition of "If Jeff keeps going..." Example 3: The truck swerves to a stop in the middle of the intersection, narrowly missing the oncoming car, which beeps its horn angrily as it continues through the intersection and off into the distance. Example 3 after edit: The truck screeches to a stop in the middle of the intersection, narrowly missing the oncoming car, which blasts its horn as it continues through the intersection and off into the distance. Example 3 comment: This is more a matter of word choice. "Blasts" is a much louder and more aggressive word than "beeps" and eliminates the need for "angrily." Example 4: As the realization that he ran the red light dawns on him, Jeff closes his eyes and lets out a deep, tired sigh. Recovering himself, he looks both ways and then resumes driving. Example 4 after edit: Jeff closes his eyes. Sighs deeply. Recovering, he looks both ways, resumes driving. Example 4 comment: Eliminated exposition of Jeff realizing that he rant the red light by just showing him closing his eyes, sighing. Deleted "himself" and just have him "recovering." Example 5: Then, JEFF, a mid-thirties guy with a decent build from hard work, slides off the driver’s seat and comes to rest on the running board. Example 5 after edit: The driver's door opens. Jeff slides off the driver’s seat onto the running board. Example 5 comment: The door needs to open before Jeff slides out. Deleted Jeff's description since we've already read that earlier. Deleted some fat from the action of Jeff sliding out of the truck and onto the running board. I don't mean to be a smart aleck, just applying what I've learned and heard about writing as lean as possible. Do my edits help or hinder? report abuse
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Votes: +18
 written by Ray Morton, November 12, 2009
Margaret, Rick, Susan -- thanks!
Cat -- sorry to disappoint. Kacee -- an oversight on my part. Thanks for pointing it out. Richard -- your edits are fine and do make it leaner. What I did was an initial revision of work by another writer and I was trying to preserve as much of the original writing as possible, but your notes would be very helpful for a future fine-tune. Thanks for your efforts. report abuse
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 written by Peter, December 01, 2009
What rubbish. The first one is much better. The second just adds in some lame false drama cliche of nearly being hit bya care at an intersection. Ridiculous.
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 written by David, December 01, 2009
I have to agree with the later comments. The revision is good, but I too feel that the opening with him exiting the truck already at the 7-11 is more intersting than him in the truck driving in, etc. The whole car almost hitting him in the first version and yours could go. We see he's tired and then we see him beat up. Thats enough to peak intrest. So I think both versions could be leaner and meaner.
But yours flows better. report abuse
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 written by Susan, December 02, 2009
I had a much clearer vision of the scene from your rewrite, which I believe is the point. While trying to make copy 'leaner', I think you can lose important elements that convey the mood you're trying to create.
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 written by Michael James, December 09, 2009
...my mentors told and showed me screenwriters are architects for a film. 100 other people will do their part, all we are are story architects. ACTORS have to add their inputs to it, its not always about us telling them what to do. Anyone who thought the very first example was perfect is still an amateur, not knocking you but you just haven't worked with anyone whose scripts have been made into movies.
1. NEVER fall in love with your own words, you are writing for someone else, not for you. 2. Always be willing to make changes, even after they pay you a million bucks they (directors, producers, actors) will still tell you to make changes. [my mentor was making changes to In Too Deep even as they were filming it] 3. ALWAYS leave a little room for others to explore their creative sides, we writers cant hog ALL the glory now. :-) 4. NEVER write a 'thought' on a script, if it can't be shot, don't put it in there. SHOW a reaction that tells what he/she is feeling. Trust the audience, the director, the actor, they are smart people too and will get what you meant. 5. You are never done with a script, put it down and don't think about it after you write it, then go back in a month or so and re-read. You will see a ton of things you want to change. It's always a work-in-progress. 6. Have fun with it, most of us are never gonna be like my mentor who had 2 films made and a third on the way. SO enjoy writing for writings sake. report abuse
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Votes: +2
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