Review: BATTLE: LOS ANGELES – “I’m rooting for the aliens.”

****DISCLAIMER****
This review is for entertainment purposes only. This review will be filled with spoilers. And if you don’t know how an alien invasion movie ends then you’ve obviously never seen one before.

Log entry
March 11th, 2011 8:43 a.m.
Staff Sergeant Michael Nantz

Can’t believe I’m almost done with the Corps. Been here 20 years and turned in my papers to Jim who I’ve been to hell and back with all these years. Last assignment is to train some fresh recruits and then cruise the countryside in my classic convertible Mustang.

Crap, these boys are green. Don’t even know their names. Doesn’t really matter, they’re just supporting cast on my stage. And my stage is pain. Lots and lots of pain. Wow, they’re all ages and races too. I remember the day when most of us were just blacks and whites. Now we got nationalities I never even knew could speak English much less fire a gun. But that’s good for the Corps. Study them up close in case we ever need to invade their homeland.

Los Angeles before the attack.

Los Angeles before the attack.

Progress report #9754hdyhy23
Lunar cycle 24 Shadow Mark 9.2
Gliknot, 4th Tine Leader

The approach is going well. The planet is unaware of who we are because their technology is so primitive. We’ve been landing on their large bodies of water for the past hour now. Soon we will approach by foot and destroy them all. No real reason mind you, we just like to land on strange planets and tear shit up. One thing I have learned from studying this planet is their use of bad words. Different from ours but effective just the same. Still don’t know what ‘jizz’ means though.

******

Log entry
March 11th, 2011 11:35 a.m.
Staff Sergeant Michael Nantz

What the hell is going on now. Television reports showing a bunch of meteors landing around the world and the base has just been put on full alert. Shit. Looks like there are explosions everywhere and one of the Navy’s destroyers just got taken out. I hope it’s not China. We’re screwed if they finally got their crap together and decided they want to sell products in their country that said ‘Made in America’. I’ve just been assigned to replace an injured Staff Sergeant for some fresh out of training Lieutenant’s platoon. God dammit, I don’t need this but everyone is running around like crazy and it’s hard to make out what’s happening. Guess it’s time to rock and roll.

******

Log entry
March 11th, 2011 12:40 p.m.
Staff Sergeant Michael Nantz

HOLY *BEEP*ING *BEEP* BALLS IN THE MOTHER *BEEP*ING MONKEY *BEEP* UP MY *BEEP* WITH A *BEEP* AND A LARGE GARDEN HOSE, what in the American Idol is going on down there? We’ve just been flown to Santa Monica and the place is riddled with ash, blown up cars and dead people everywhere. Oops, sorry we accidentally flew to Compton. Wait, here’s Santa Monica. Oh, man it looks the same. And what are those things walking around down there killing everyone? Can’t get a good glimpse at them because everything is shaking and out of focus. Gonna puke here in a minute. Reminds me of that Blackhawk Down movie where you can’t tell what’s going on. Captain just told us we have 3 hours to clear out some civilians from a police station before the entire area is destroyed from our B-52’s. Looks like we’re under attack from extratessticucools. (Can’t believe I spelled that without any mistakes!)

******

Progress report #9754hdyhy24
Lunar cycle 24 Shadow Mark 11.75
Gliknot, 4th Tine Leader

The humans have proven to be no challenge at all. Our weapons, conveniently grafted to our arms, have been destroying everything in our path. Which is surprising considered we can’t seem to shoot for shit. Might Tweet how easy this has been but my TweetGliknot App is having hashtag issues. #lame

******

Log entry
March 11th, 2011 2:58 p.m.
Staff Sergeant Michael Nantz

After numerous alien encounters in which we fired at rooftops and spun our helmet cameras around until we got ourselves dizzy, we came across Sgt. Elena Santos who looks a lot like that actress Michelle Rodriguez. She even has the same polished teeth and deer-in-headlights look. Was kind of annoying because whenever I asked her a question it took her a good five seconds to answer. I’m betting she has a history with the adult Kool-Aid, if you know what I’m sayin’.

According to Sgt. Santos the aliens might have a conveniently placed enormously large central communications command center somewhere. Seems as if they actually have air support but it’s all unmanned and has to be controlled from somewhere. If we can take that conveniently placed enormously large central communications command center out, perhaps we have a chance at stopping these invaders. Even though they’ve been kicking the crap out of us so far. We made it to the police station and found the civilians. Some lady with nice lips who is a veterinarian, and a father with his son Hector who cries like a little bitch all the time. (Wanted to write a joke that I’m shocked to find a Mexican family in a police station but I don’t want the wrong person to accidentally come across my journal.)

I know I’m not in command but so far this assignment is pretty lame. The Lieutenant is a joke. We’ve run around everywhere on foot, hotwired a bus and decided our escape should be on the freeway. I’m thinking the people in charge have never traveled on the 10 or 405 here in Los Angeles because it sucks even when it’s not half destroyed. If this were a movie I’d start to think the writers were the laziest people on the planet and just decided to throw scenarios in the film that were more time killers than plot advancers.

******

Alright, someone take this kid. She just crapped her pants!

Progress report #9754hdyhy25
Lunar cycle 24 Shadow Mark 13.11
Gliknot, 4th Tine Leader

Our unmanned drones are taking out what’s left of the humans but it’s tricky. One of them tricked us and blew up a gas station destroying a few of our ships. That led to their unit “whoopin’” and a “hollerin’” over their victory. Fools. We have tons of ships being controlled by our conveniently placed enormously large central communications command center that we built/landed? underground. All within the last few hours. Now you morons know how the pyramids were built. Think me and the boys are gonna go find some of that Earth ass to get into. Show these human females how anal probes are really done.

******

Log entry
March 11th, 2011 4:44 p.m.
Staff Sergeant Michael Nantz

Just gave a ten minute speech to the men about the Marines I lost on my last tour. Called out their name, rank and military ID before walking away and saying, “But none of that matters now.” War must be getting to me. You couldn’t write what I just said in any movie. It would be so goddamn stupid the writer would get fired. Or at least he should never work in Hollywood again. Lost the Lieutenant and the civilian father a while ago but nobody seems to care. I know I don’t. Hector cried but I called him a little Marine and gave him some false hope that he would be ok, too.

Wow, that was close huh, guys?... Guys??

The B-52’s never took off. Operating Base was destroyed. Looks like we’re heading into Los Angeles via helicopter. Place we should have been this entire time instead of dicking around in Santa Monica. Thought our assignment was code named Battle: Los Angeles not Battle: Santa Monica. Wondering if Captain Jonathan Liebesman and his planners are aware of how far their heads seem to be shoved up their own asses. I’m gonna tell my team that I’m heading in to destroy the conveniently placed enormously large central communications command center. Repelled down myself but then my team followed. Would have laughed if the helicopter pilot repelled down after them. Be funny if little Hector was left all alone to fly that piece of shit.

******

Progress report #9754hdyhy26
Lunar cycle 24 Shadow Mark 14.88
Gliknot, 4th Tine Leader

Won’t be much longer now even though this encounter seems to have been going on for days instead of mere hours. Our forces have blown up most of the planet and the humans haven’t figured out that if they destroy our conveniently placed enormously large central communications command center then they’d be able to stop our air support, effectively crippling us. While on my 10 minute break I discovered an Earth food called Fruity Pebbles. Shit is the bomb. Taking some back to the kids.

******

Log entry
March 11th, 2011 5:57 p.m.
Staff Sergeant Michael Nantz

Holy Two-Face Batman! How did we miss this giant ass tower looking thing? Need to send Default Soldier #5 up to a high spot to radio in our position. A position we should have noticed before they brought in their air support, but whatever. I guess all of our fighter pilots were too busy singing “Great Balls of Fire” or playing volleyball. How this thing went unnoticed by our satellites and military boggles my mind. A well-placed ground-to-ground missile should take this sucker right out. Yep. Fell like a game of Jenga. Take that you alien assholes. Nobody messes with America and the fighting spirit of the United States Marines!

******

Progress report #9754hdyhy27
Lunar cycle 24 Shadow Mark 16.39
Gliknot, 4th Tine Leader

Son. Of. A. Bitch. I told our commanders back home that making this thing so big would be a bad idea considering our technology doesn’t actually require we need to build a conveniently placed enormously large central communications command center in order to work our unmanned aircraft. And why we even have unmanned aircraft is beyond me. We somehow managed to travel thousands of light years to Earth by piloting all this shit ourselves! Crap. Now the humans are starting to target the conveniently placed enormously large central communications command centers all over the world even though we’ve destroyed most of the planet and could technically just build more within hours or just finish them off with our ground units. But then I’d be nitpicking. Looks like we’re gonna have to find a way to retreat and head back home. The humans have somehow managed to find a way to win again despite the enormous loss of life and resources. What a waste of time. Typical crap ending to a typical crap invasion tale. Should have listened to those jackass loser Skyline guys when they tried invading the planet.

Oh, well. Least I got some Fruity Pebbles out of all this.

END TRANSMISSION

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7 thoughts on “Review: BATTLE: LOS ANGELES – “I’m rooting for the aliens.”

  1. Raj Abbas Khan

    Super Review…

    The Movie Sucked on So Many Levels cant Tell… Actually went to see hall pass & it finished earlier so V Sneaked into hall 3 which was playing this shitty movie… Couldnt digest half… R. Ebert was so angry for this movie he couldve killed this dyerector…

  2. Tras

    Guap,

    HILARIOUS! I laughed almost as hard as when I saw the movie… Wait! The movie IS a parody tribute to cliched action movies right?…

    What?!

    NOOOOOoooooo……!

    #lame = Classic.

  3. Skulltoy

    LOL! that was a great review. I almost pissed myself laughing so hard!
    Love the sarcasm, specially needed in today’s “throw it out the door” cliche movies. I guess I will wait for this one when it comes out on ON DEMAND.

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